From one mum to another

From left to right: Anita H, Anita Y, Carla

Whether it's mother like daughter or mother like son, the old adage holds true: the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. We had the privilege of being part of a heartfelt conversation with mums Anita H, Anita Y and Carla from the I Am Hope Foundation, chatting all things mental well-being from their own experience, and maintaining a sense of self along the way.

How do you maintain a sense of self and your identity as a woman while navigating the journey of motherhood?

Anita Y:

I make sure that I have time for myself to do the things that I want to do. Things like having a coffee or a walk with girlfriends or my mum. Catching up with my husband for lunch and sometimes even going shopping with him ( even when he acts like a bored security guard).

Anita H:

I think the saying “you can't pour from an empty cup” is pretty relevant when it comes to motherhood, you really do have to look after yourself first so you're in a good position to look after others. Maintaining my own interests and goals outside of my kids has also been really important to me. They are certainly part of me, but not all of me.

Carla:

I think this is something that I have struggled with over the years. It was important for me to be at home for our kids while they were young. My mum did the same for me and I benefited greatly from it. I guess my identity was 'mum' but as the kids got older I wanted them to know me as a person too. When I was 40 I went back to Uni and graduated with a postgraduate diploma in counselling. I worked fulltime as a counsellor in a school so I could be at home over the school holidays. The kids got to see me as their mum, a student and graduate, counsellor and now in my role here at I Am Hope, someone who is trying to make a difference in the lives of all children.

How do you encourage open conversations about mental health with your family?

Anita Y:

As a family we have dinner together as often as we can ( about 5 times a week). We openly talk about our day, our issues, struggles, concerns and also the good things that have happened. We have done this as family since the boys were little. It means that if they have any problems we can talk openly and honestly about them, there is never any judgment. There is a lot of loud discussion ( we are Croatian so we all love to talk very loudly). Communication is very important for us. The boys have always been very open and honest with us. So I guess to answer the question we talk about everything and anything including Mental health.

Anita H:

I try to lead by example and be really open and honest about my own mental health and wellbeing. Some days are better than others and that's ok, it's all part of the journey of life.

Carla:

I just ask how they are doing and I make this is a regular thing. We connect via Snapchat which is fantastic as one of our grown up kids lives out of town now. Its about regular check ins, staying connected and noticing when family members are not quite themselves.

They say children say the darndest things, and isn’t that the truth? How do you instill positive mental health in your children so they can understand the impact of their actions on others?

Anita Y:

My children are now older so I have taught them to be kind to others and treat others how you would want to be treated. I think they are doing that. They have great friends and work colleagues who have stuck around for a long time, if my boys didn’t treat them right they wouldn’t have those friends and work colleagues.

Anita H:

Growing up in a household with three kids, they're constantly giving each other 'feedback', some more positive than others! Having a few learning difficulties and disorders, as well as allergies in the mix, our kids understand firsthand that everyone is different and having some empathy towards others goes a long way. Playing team sports has also been a great way for them to understand how the impact of their actions, and words, can affect others around them.

Carla:

Children are sponges - we are their role models. If we want them to understand their impact on others, we need to model that for them. If we want children to understand the impact of their actions - we need them to experience that through their relationship with us. My actions impact those around me. For example when one of my children was going through a rough time, I asked them what they needed from me, what could I do to help improve things. I found this a really tough thing to ask - but it made a difference to them and to our relationship.

How do you prioritize your mental well-being while also caring for your children?

Anita Y:

My boys are 21 and 23 now so I don’t need to care for them, but I do need to guide them sometimes. So I guess I have gone through the worst of it. I have time for myself now to do the things that I want to do. When they were little I made sure I had regular outings and phone calls with friends who had the same age children. It was fun for them and great for us mums.

Anita H:

For me, exercise is great for my mental health; I play netball each week with a great group of women, we've been together for about ten years now and I love the social element and connection with my team as much as getting a sweat on. I love to run too - if that means taking the kids with me so I can still get out for run then that's what I do. When they were little, there were two in a double buggy and one on a bike, but now they're bigger they can run with me which is cool. Not so cool is that fact that two out of three are now faster than me!

Carla:

When my son was 4 months old and my daughter was 3; I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. I have been taking antidepressants every since (20 years now). I tried unsuccessfully to come off of this medication half a dozen times before my GP wondered if I should just stay on them. So I did, and it made a huge difference to my life and the life of my family.

I asked my family for help and received a lot of support from my parents who visited regularly and helped raise their grandchildren. I did feel guilty for many many years about not being the mum I might have been without the depression, but over the years I have got better at appreciating aspects of my parenting and how hard I worked against the depression which tried to hold me down. I have been to counselling and receive regular ongoing supervision (which is a professional requirement) which has helped a lot.

To an expectant mother, what advice would you give her to support her mental well-being during the transition into motherhood?

Anita Y:

Don’t sweat the small stuff… if you don’t do your house work don’t worry.

No-one expects you to be super mum. Make sure you get out and talk to other mums with the same age kids. Have fun with your kids whenever you can. Laugh with them as often as you can!

Anita H:

Be kind to yourself, it's a huge transition. Be honest about how you are coping - or not coping - and be sure to accept any help offered.

Carla:

It takes a village to raise a child - choose the people you want around you during those early stages. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. If people offer support - take it. Feeling emotional is totally normal for those first few weeks, talk about it with close friends and family. But if you're having trouble sleeping or eating - get to your GP for a check up.